What does that mean? A key feature of selfish behavior is not apologizing. Is your husband so caught up in himself that he never says sorry? End of. Communication is key in any relationship, we all know that! That can often manifest in them having bad or non-existent manners. Sometimes, this is okay. If your husband is constantly putting you down, he is being selfish by ignoring how that will make you feel. Most relationships operate under some kind of balance — some compliments, some affection, some just being.
Being a selfish lover can be difficult physically, but it also means you may be left feeling emotionally vulnerable or lonely — which is obviously very unfair on you. Now, we understand that some people are more introverted or quiet, but, there are some people who actively choose to withdraw from their partner for selfish reasons. It is completely normal, and healthy, to have alone time in your relationship — we all need our space sometimes!
This kind of behavior can be very selfish because it makes you question your relationship and your worth. Avoid arguing about this by approaching the issue lightly, and asking if they have time to talk about something that has been upsetting you.
Men do like to feel appreciated — we all do. Everyone should be treated equally in that regard, men no more praise than anyone else. This is terrible advice. I think everyone is missing the point here.
It is not about cheering your man on, it is about respecting his qualities and being grateful for his contributions. Our expectations as women are sometimes way too tall for any man to fulfil, and we have been conditioned to think that they should automatically know how to be a husband the minute we put a ring on their finger.
Just like it takes us, women, time to master the skills to be a wife and a mother, it also takes men time to take on their responsibilities as husbands. We have an innate motherly instinct to nurture and care, men are not so lucky, and instinctively we end up mothering them in the hope that we will teach them how to be the man we want. I suspect that in her books, Laura hopes we will find some tools to manage our own contribution to the deterioration of marriages.
Because Ladies, I have news for you, just like you see the negatives in your men, they are also seeing the negatives in you. Nobody is perfect. In my experience, though I have not formally implemented all the skills taught in the book, I have been able to recognise my own shortcomings and one thing I can say: respect is earned not demanded… and I demanded respect when I failed to respect. I have always loved my husband, but I am now able to see much more good in him that I gave him credit for and in turn, he says the same about me.
I am at a loss. I have two small children, i work, breastfed and take care of everything including all the bills. I am also the breadwinner. He has a few things that he does on routine like garbage, lawn, watering plants but he has a room that he squirrel away all his things.
Only does his own laundry and if anything crosses in his zone he puts it in the hallway. He wants 20 min when he gets home from work before he does anything for me or the children. I dont get 5 min let alone 20 min. When i bring up anything…. He says im a victim or im borderline. I feel like a single parent. I believe these are all fantastic tips on resolving your own codependency issues as well as learning more about expectations.
Many of us have a tendency to create martyrdom, instead of actually challenging ourselves to do the work in ourselves. That same therapist gave me a code, by which to live, which could sum up part of what your site here suggests: 1 Ask for what you need. Though, culturally this is a fatal paradigm, we as individuals can influence immediate spheres, beginning with our children and our own families.
To effect change instead requires understanding; freedom to both feel and speak, as well as room to make choices. What all of us are left with is our own choice, no matter what anyone else chooses to do. It boils down to what really is simple: Do we want to be resentful, miserable and complain, or do we want to feel empowered in our own lives to meet our own needs?
When the latter, the only option then is to be kind and be clear, and give everyone the benefit of the doubt. We all do the best we know how to do. When we know better, we do better. That actually makes us the entitled party when we engage that way. Research bears out, that except in the case of abuse or addiction, unless you take hold of your own reactions, you will not be happier in another relationship.
Hi Laura. I have a selfish husband. But since I tried remembering to use some or all of the intimacy skills, i find that he is much happier at home. And not in a nagging sort of way, like I used to. This article is awesome because it reminds me that I should not nag and that a bit of humor goes a very long way with men. The first time we behave this way will always give the least result, and then it grows…the thing you feed. He will pitch in. Because he is allowed to. There have been times when I could only muster up a toasted sandwich for dinner, and he was OK with it because he was dog-tired too.
When I went away last week, he did the laundry. Bless his cotton socks, but it was done differently to what I do.
We are all different in our own way. Thank you for helping me to treat my husband differently from the way I grew up with! Great article. Men never respond well to complaints, but they do respond to our desires.
I an taken aback by some of the disrespectful comments on this thread. Thinking your husband is a child is disrespectful. How can any women expect intimacy fron anyone when they think of them as a child or undeserving of gratitude and respect? They know how you think of them. If you think your husband is a moron, that will be your self fulfilling prophecy.
Jennifer, you said it exactly how I feel. I have three boys and sometimes he acts like a forth. Men are very selfish and want the attention constantly. Be a father instead of taking the remote and hogging everything watch their shows play their games. Is there an article that would help me to think about what to do about a husband who has met a woman and wants to see her, and in general has decided that he wants to be able to be with other women, but also wants to stay married to you?
My husband is self centered, inconcederate, not caring at all to point that it has to do with my health, he never asist in home chores, never! The most painful part is selfishness as it involves intimacy, he only want to have sex when he want to, and postpones mine..
No thanks. I have no need for the type of man I have train. This is crap advice, but perfect for women who still want to do more to get the lazy schmuck to pull his own weight. My Husband is so lazy he leaves empty cartons and wrappers in the fridge, we have one dining table he has not taken it to so called his room as he says he wants to study while i sit on the ground with my laptop and work.
I bought the dining table but he needs everything for himself my children and me sit on the floor and eat as my husband took the table in his room.
He does everything to make it comfortable for himself and he doesnt care the inconvenience he causes others. I pay for his credit card debt every month, he has made SGD debts and i pay for everything, if i ask him to help me with the kids putting them to sleep, bath, etc he says o but never does it, he doesnt do the dishes, he does work at home only on his moods.
He mocks me, insults me, never appreciates me. First he was so abusive he use to hit me every weekend after councelling that has stopped, but he still hits the kids, his anger is out of control. I have to agree with him at all the time or else he gets very angry.
He demands me to give him attention when i have work, 2 kids to look after and housework to do. If the kids cry he doesnt care he says to let them be and to give him attention or focus on what he has to say. He never spends time with the kids. Honestly i wish he was dead because if i do try to get a divorce he will make it very ugly and take his anger out on the kids. Plus he asked me to quit my career to be available. What more can a woman do? How can I use your skills with a man like this?
In my opinion no matter what I do will not be good enough. I have felt this same hurtful resentment. I would say to make a list of your own personal goals and accomplish at your own pace. Assign schedule for everyone. First thing in the morning. It would probably help to meditate on good words and pray for self control. If your like me ,you build up or bottle up then explode.
Examine your own upbringing and ask yourself important questions as to how you felt toward your upbringing or lies that you may believe about yourself that are untrue. And your just coping the best way you know how about venting your frustrations.
You sound like you should NOT be coaching women who need help. WOW how embarrassing for your clients. Whatcha got? There are some great advice here and that makes me happy for my sisters that they worked for them.
What do we do when we have done all we can? When you work hard and bring in more than half of the bread every month and still have to carry the bulk of the weight of the children raring house keeping cart, what do you do then?
I am tired of being microanalyse.. Thanks, All tried out. What do you do when you stop doing your normal responsibilities, but the house goes to crap?
I can ask a million times to do one task and nothing ever gets done. I am talking months. I waited 6 months once and he just put the trash into the garage and not outside in the cans…. Maybe one makes it into the bin a day.
I am feeling overwhelmed by the mess. I feel like I am raising 3 children instead of two. I get told that I complain too much if I remind him of things or ask when something is going to get done.
Why is it that the woman is supposed to cover for the man? You make it sound like he is somehow unable to do the things a woman does. Are his arms missing? His ability to keep track of time broken? His ability to have any thoughts for anyone but himself is staggering. Why is it up to the woman? And yet here we have one more article telling us that we should coddle him more. Either he gets with the program or he can get out. I agree Amber. When I suggest to my husband that he needs to help out more around the house I have my own full time business and do all the chores he goes in a big huff and I get the silent treatment like I have said something wrong.
Then not only do I have to deal with my frustration at having a lazy husband and am exhausted from doing everything, but have to deal with his passive aggressive treatment too. I think he should be big enough to notice himself but ok I guess. I get angry and forget at this point. He pays. He has inattention blindness around me but snaps out of it around others. Thanks for your article and I pray I can use it to change our situation! My husband is a teacher and he loves helping kids.
But he has this one boy that I feel he is obsessed with. My husband is over 40 years old and this boy is They call each other everyday, send messages, saying I love you and I support you and believe in you. They go on day trips and my husband does not tell me about these and where they are going, I always find out by accident, when a card falls out of his pocket or something, or I see pictures on my husbands phone. Whenever they want to hang out, my husband does not mention his name, but I know he is going to him.
I have banned this boy from my house, because it does not feel right to me that he spends hours with my husband in the study while my husband is busy prepping for school then he studies I have confronted my husband on what is happening here and he convinces me that it is all innocent. He loves this boy like his own son, he says this boy is his best friend and son.
My husband grew up without a father, so he is looking for that deep intense relationship with this boy. I saw a message by accident when my husband said his heart wants to pop out of his chest with happiness that this boy was living across the road, he is so happy to have him near him and seeing him everyday, he is even struggling to breathe he cant believe it, I dont even get this much love, care, softness, calls, messages On seeing this messages I went numb and jittery, my husband on confrontation said it is just a game they played sending each other messages like this Am I just being overly jealous over the relationship they have and the time they spend together and the deep emotions running here, or am I right in feeling that something is not right?
My husband says everything is innocent, it is his son… he sees nothing wrong… We went out for 7 years, married for 4. Last year while all of this was happening my husband pulled away from me and he told me, he got so caught up in his own life, that our relationship came last. Some perspective on this would really be great please. But what about a husband who expects a woman to do everything perfectly and doesnt want to lift a finger, who constantly asks, whats for dinner, whats for lunch, can you get me this can you get me that, make me a plate, etc, the trash is overflowing, theres dishes in the sink, why cant you do this…and then gets angry or frustrated when the wife lapses or doesnt do a perfect job?
My husband comes from a more traditional culture so maybe this is why,, but not doing things or asking him to do things unfortunately doesnt work in this case not without him being resentful because i guess as a man he feels household work is idk, beneath him? Not only these thing but he neglected me for years only wanting to spend time with his friends.
So i always felt isolated, lonely, desperate for true companionship, and like a servant or maid or something. I hear you! That sounds exhausting! If you attempt a relationship check-in with the selfish husband, he looks at you as if you are crazy. What to do when your husband is selfish? There are some ways to change his behavior. Pick a time where you know he will be rested and in a good mood.
Be specific in your needs as the selfish husband will not be able to guess what these are. Did he take out the garbage? Tell him how much you appreciated that. Positive reinforcement is a good way to keep this going. Considering he is less likely to offer a helping hand, make sure you appreciate him every time he does to bring it to his notice.
Besides, appreciation always encourages people, no matter what. At times, it is important to put your foot down rather than suffering or bearing the pain on your own. Remember that your selfish husband may be unaware of the extent of his selfishness. It is important you use your voice to let him know, from a place of respect and love, how his actions are affecting you. Sometimes we focus on all the things our partners do that annoy us to avoid looking at ourselves.
Choosing to make yourself happy is one of the most important life lessons you can learn. In the video below, Stephanie Lyn discusses how you can stop overthinking and allow yourself to be happy amidst the relationship stress:. If your husband is selfish, rest assured there are solutions to improving this behavior!
Incorporating these tips into your discussions will help. Take Course. Marriage Advice. Marriage Quizzes Marriage Quotes Videos. Find a Therapist. Search for therapist. All Rights Reserved. By Sylvia Smith , Expert Blogger.
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Sylvia Smith Expert Blogger. Sylvia Smith loves to share insights on how couples can revitalize their love lives in and out of the bedroom. As a writer at Marriage. Sylvia believes that every couple can transform their relationship into a happier, healthier one by taking purposeful and wholehearted action.
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